


this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up

by Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss



Category: SOKO Stuttgart
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss/pseuds/Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss
Summary: Paula left. Paula is gone. She's not coming back. And Martina is okay with that, she doesn't care. She is content with the way things are, happy even.But what if Paula ever did come back? And Martina cared a bit more than she should?
Relationships: Martina Seiffert & Joachim "Jo" Stoll, Martina Seiffert/ Paula Voss
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up

**Author's Note:**

> My apologies for… whatever this is. There's not really a fandom for this pairing, so to be honest I’d be surprised if anybody actually read this. But just for the slight chance that anyone else has accidentally seen an episode of Soko with a Paula x Martina storyline and immediately got heavily invested just to soon realise that they weren't really that big of a thing in the show… Then you might be desperate enough to read this the same way I was desperate enough to write this. 
> 
> Also yes, I know the show is in German, but I'm more comfortable writing in English, so idk, it is what it is.

On an ordinary Friday afternoon, Martina just having ended an ordinary phone call with the man that's still technically her husband, sitting in Jo's passenger seat on the way to an ordinary crime scene, her day slightly loses its order. 

It’s the second time they’re returning to the location since they were assigned the case. Their current suspect had let a piece of information slip that they assumed only the murderer could know. Jo is confident that the case is already as good as closed, but Martina still has her doubts. After all, things seemed to be almost too easy, had seemed that way for a while actually. Ever since Paula left, to be accurate.

She had been working on returning to normalcy. And to be quite honest, she doesn't miss the unpredictability of her moods and emotions. Martina can barely understand how she wanted new and exciting and different just a few weeks ago, when life without Paula is so incredibly simple. It's nice, not receiving calls that make her heart skip several beats all at once and not having to worry about running into an annoyingly smart journalist who would get in the way of any case she was involved in - and mess with Martina’s whole worldview in the process.

The last couple of cases had been easy solves, her private life had practically uncomplicated itself. As someone who had almost gotten used to things going wrong and blowing up in her face at every turn, Martina is distrustful of the current calm. Unsurprisingly for her, her intuition is turning out to be correct at this very moment. More surprisingly though, it’s nothing to do with the murder.

Jo is pulling into the grocery store parking lot where the body of a recently fired employee had been found by a group of teenagers just a few days prior, when Martina catches a glimpse of a brunette woman rounding the corner.

It’s something about the way she moves, the way she blends in and stands out at the same time, that tells Martina she’s familiar. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think her to be Paula. The very person she can’t seem to get out of her head despite her best efforts.

The woman is out of sight before she can get a closer look and really, it is highly unlikely that it was Paula. What kind of fate would have them cross paths again now? Here of all places? It’s probably not Paula, just a woman of similar height and with similar hair. It can’t be Paula. 

In a way, she knows it’s Paula.

Before she can form another conscious thought, she’s checking her reflection in the car window and straightens her posture, glad to see that her face doesn’t betray how much the reminder of Paula has shaken her up. “Shall we?”, she turns to Jo who is just turning off the engine. 

A moment later they’re walking past the corner where Martina had noticed the other woman and at first she doesn’t see anything or anyone besides the police tape and the blue container that had been previously well-described by the suspect who had claimed not to know about any of the details of the murder. She’s almost disappointed. It would have been nice to see Paula again, even if just to know that she was alive and well. 

No, it’s good that Paula isn’t here. It’s a good thing. Martina doesn’t want to see Paula, she doesn’t. Except, maybe she does. But Paula isn’t there, so it doesn’t matter.

“He was here Martina, we’ve got our guy”, Jo says pointing to the container, “another murder solved, I told you so”. Martina manages a smile and an approving nod, pretending her thoughts aren’t completely elsewhere. Of course it wasn’t Paula. That would have been crazy. Mentally she’s scolding herself for even thinking about it. She’s not supposed to be thinking about Paula. But then Jo looks over his shoulder and: “Paula!”

Martina spins around more quickly than she would like to admit. “Hey”, Paula says, for the very first time since they met addressing Jo, not her. Paula barely looks at her, doesn’t even acknowledge her. 

Somehow this is not what Martina would have imagined it would be like, seeing Paula again. Assuming she had imagined it. Which, of course, she hadn’t.

Had not imagined it, in the same way her breath doesn’t catch, in the same way she doesn’t have to take a second to recollect herself before she can speak.

“You’re back” It’s a statement, not a question. Martina’s heart rate doesn’t skyrocket, not the way it used to, and if it does, she doesn’t even know whether to attribute it to Paula’s presence or to her anger. She hadn't been angry before, why would she be? But Paula’s back and she didn’t even think to call. Of course, she had told her they couldn’t be friends and Martina gets it. They couldn’t properly be together, but they had gotten too close to be able to go back to being friends. Still, Paula is back. She’s here and she showed up at Martina’s crime scene and she didn’t even call. 

“I am”, Paula responds, still not meeting her gaze, then: “Did the manager do it?”, directed at Jo. Again.

Jo nods, about to explain, but Martina cuts him off: “We’re not at liberty to disclose information about an ongoing case to just anyone” and it sounds more accusatory than she means it to. She doesn’t know who picks up her change in demeanor first. Jo, who she’s been friends with forever or Paula, who could have been more than that, so much more than just a friend.

Once upon a time Paula would have argued that she wasn’t just anyone, but Jo swiftly diffuses the situation by announcing that they had better get back to the station as soon as possible and neither Martina nor Paula openly disagree with him. Martina, because she thinks that if she were to speak, she might accidentally shout or cry. And Paula? Who even knows what’s going on in her head? Certainly not Martina, who didn’t even get a call.

They walk back to the car and Martina feels a lump in her throat that she can’t quite explain. At least she manages not to turn around and she doesn’t cry even though she wants to do both of those things. Jo knows better than to bring it up and so he keeps talking about the case and Martina keeps nodding along on the drive back.

_

Upon arriving at the precinct they sit their suspect down for questioning and after presenting the new evidence he reluctantly confesses to have murdered his former employee over money. Martina is not completely satisfied with his reasoning, but the evidence is clear and so he is taken into further custody until his trial begins. Her thoughts wander back to Paula no matter how hard she tries and so she stays behind, claiming to have some paperwork left while the rest of her team starts leaving. Jo is the last one to walk out the door. He asks if everything is okay with her and even offers to have her come over later in case she feels like it, but Martina sends him on his way.

In order to clear her head she fetches her exercising clothes from her locker and makes her way to the precinct’s gym, noting that she doesn’t see any familiar faces, except for Kaiser, who seems to still be in his office. When she peers into the room, she’s pleased to see that it’s empty. Good. She’s not up for small talk. Or anything else that would require her to form cohesive sentences. She goes through her stretching routine faster than usual. After doing a couple push ups to finish off her warm up she soon ends up at the punching bag.

Martina starts off with one light jab with her right hand. She can still save her marriage if only she manages to forget about Paula. One more with her left hand. Richard is the safe choice. Richard loves her. They have a life, a house, children. A slightly harder jab with her right hand. Paula didn’t even call. They’re not even friends. Forming both her hands into closed fists. She doesn’t want things to be difficult. Two hard punches. How hard can it be to get Paula out of her head? One more. She doesn't love her. A step back. A light kick with her right foot. She loves Richard. Hard kick. Right? Three punches in quick succession. YES. Left elbow. Maybe. Probably. Punch. Paula’s hand in hers. Kick. Arms around her neck. Two punches. Paula’s lips on hers. Three punches. Paula in bed next to her. Kick. Jab. Kick. Paula. Punch. Elbow. Paula. Fuck. Paula.

“Oh wow, what did that punching bag do to you to deserve that?” 

Martina turns around to see - speak of the devil - Paula standing in the doorframe, a slight blush on her face. The usually so confident journalist looks almost shy, and that realization plus the exhaustion from her boxing session makes Martina leave the edge out of her voice this time: “Paula? What are you doing here?”

Maybe it’s the surprise, maybe it’s the fact that just moments prior she had been thinking about kissing her, but Martina’s anger feels less fierce than earlier that day. 

“I’m investigating the manager’s motive in your murder case and it’s beyond my jurisdiction, so I need police there when I interview him. Kaiser said to ask you, because everyone else has left.” Paula tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “I can come back tomorrow though, if you’re busy”

She’s giving Martina an out. They both know that exercising isn’t an urgent police matter. Martina should take the out. It would be better for all parties involved. “Don’t be foolish. I’ll do it, just give me a minute to get changed”, she responds, avoiding Paula’s gaze. 

“Thank you! I promise I won’t be long, I just need to see if he’s in on it”

The way Paula’s eyes light up with excitement at the prospect of getting the final piece of information for her article almost reminds Martina of all the reasons she ever wanted to be with her. But also, Martina seems to have been right about the case and she makes a mental notice to tell Jo about it first thing in the morning. “I knew there was more to his motive than just money”, she says to Paula, “what exactly is it?”

“Guess you’ll just have to wait and see for yourself”, Paula grins, as if just for a moment, she had forgotten about the tension between them. She grins and Martina’s stomach flutters. It’s stupid. She’s a grown woman. She’s married. She’s no longer new to being attracted to women. She’s kissed Paula, She’s slept with her. Still. Paula smiles and Martina almost does, too.

She quickly excuses herself and heads to the locker room. The cold shower she takes is partly because of her boxing session and partly because she needs to stop reacting to Paula in that way. And so what if she doesn’t only brush her hair, but reapplies her mascara as well before she comes back out? That would hardly be anyone’s business.

But when she comes back, Paula seems to have remembered her determination to look at Martina as little as she has to. She’s back to her polite, professional facade, pretending she hadn’t just snapped back to how things used to be. They don’t talk on the way to the interrogation room, but then it turns out that the manager is consulting with his lawyer about his upcoming trial and so they sit down on the floor while they wait. Martina is sitting on the opposite side of Paula, both with their backs leaned against the wall and for the first time that day properly facing each other.

Uncomfortable silence wasn’t something they had ever had between them. In the beginning it had always been light and easy, and then even when their relationship got less easy, they were always talking. Arguing sometimes, or simply just frustrated, but they would always talk. After a couple of minutes Martina has enough of it. Not talking is worse. Not talking means her thoughts spiral and go places they should never have gone in the first place. 

“So how long have you been back?”  
“A week”

“How was India?”  
“Fine”, Paula says. Martina waits for her to continue, but Paula doesn’t seem like she’s going to. 

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Are you back with Richard?” There’s jealousy in Paula’s voice. It doesn’t seem entirely intentional, but it slips out and Martina can tell it’s there. 

“I don’t know. Don’t think so” She’s not. They’re far closer to a divorce than to together at this point.  
“Do you want to be?”

“I’m not sure”, Martina responds, trying to be as close to the truth as possible. It’s a hard question to answer. 

“Then talk to me once you’re sure”

Needless to say, they go back to silence. And Martina’s thoughts go back to Paula until the door opens and the lawyer comes out, telling them his client is ready to answer their questions now. Paula gets up first. Once upon a time she would have given Martina her hand to pull her up and Martina would have pretended not to be affected. Even though both of them would have clearly been aware of the pretense. Now, Martina gets up herself, pushing those thoughts away, as far as humanly possible. They give the lawyer a polite nod and enter the interrogation room, Paula following Martina closely.

Inside Martina takes a seat a bit further away from the table and waits for Paula to start. She’s heard her talk about her work before, has been in the same room while Paula was writing, but she's just now realizing she’s never witnessed her doing an interview. 

Paula has a certain confidence radiating from her, a posture that makes it clear to everyone that she’s sure of herself. That she knows what she wants and exactly how to get it. If she was in the manager’s position, Martina knows she would tell Paula anything she wants to know, would do anything Paula asks of her. She might just do so anyway.

“He knew, didn’t he?” The journalist cuts right to the chase, doesn’t politely introduce herself, doesn’t even explain what she’s talking about: “He found out about it and so you had to kill him, isn’t that right?”

The man tries to deflect, claiming not to know what Paula is referring to, but it’s clear from the tremble in his voice that he knows exactly. That whatever Paula has figured out is the truth. And that it’s way bigger than a couple hundred grands. 

It doesn’t take long for Paula to get the suspect to admit to a grand-scale conspiracy and to name the other people involved. It takes less time for Martina to realize that Paula is someone she wants in her life. Still. The awkwardness of all their interactions that day hadn’t left much room for being happy to see her again. She had been angry, she had been confused, but as she’s watching Paula, listening to her, she’s just glad she’s back.

So no, it’s not about whether or not she wants Paula. She does. It’s obvious. It’s crystal clear. But Paula is a risk. She might be on the other side of the planet in a week and a half, gone from her life as quickly as she entered it. And as a risk-averse person, Martina isn’t sure she wants her enough to disregard how little they know about each other, in the greater scheme of things, if she wants her enough to just be with her and damn the consequences.

And then Paula turns around and gives Martina a self-satisfied grin. She might just damn the consequences.

When they leave the interrogation room, Paula with her notebook still in hand, they have extracted all the information that Martina needs to make about five new arrests. Martina’s phone rings and it’s Jo, who she quickly fills in on the new developments. While she’s on the phone Paula excuses herself and after Martina hangs up she’s nowhere to be found. 

Typical. With Paula you can never be sure of anything. 

Martina shakes the feeling off and after finishing some additional paperwork she decides to head home for the day. She only makes a quick stop at Kaiser’s office, to let him know what came of their case. To her surprise Paula is leaving his office as she’s about to knock.

They exchange a quick glance and after a while Paula speaks: “Hey, thanks for doing that. Despite…”, she hesitates and moves her hands a bit uncomfortably, “you know.”

Martina just nods in response. Despite whatever is going on with them, she understands. The woman turns to leave, but Martina stops her: “Paula? It’s good to you”

She gets a weak smile, then Paula is gone. And Martina has no way of knowing when they’ll meet again.

_

The next couple of days are long ones. Her and Jo don’t even find spare moments to eat most of the time, the search for and questioning of the conspirators taking up a good portion of their waking hours. It’s exhausting and tedious work, but at least she’s busy enough to not worry about Paula too much. Richard is barely on her mind as of now. 

It’s almost a week before she runs into Paula again. She’s walking with Jo to his car when they see Paula waiting in front of an interrogation room, accompanied by another detective this time. Neither of them say anything, but they nod at each other in passing. Jo just watches.

“You’re off the hating your ex trip then, I take it?”, he asks as soon as they’re out of earshot.

“She’s not my ex. And I don’t hate her”, Martina doesn’t really want to talk about Paula. But when Jo keeps pushing, she doesn’t fight it. She ends up admitting that she’s not completely over the whole thing, which Jo comments on with a simple: “That much was obvious”

“Are you going to do something about it? Or are you planning on staying in your hotel room forever, ignoring your feelings for her until she’s as gone from your life as Richard is?”

He might have a point about Richard. Their window to work things out seems to be closing and Martina finds she doesn’t mind much. 

“I have no idea what I’m going to do”, she opens the car door and lets herself sink into the passenger seat. Martina used to be the person with her life all together. Sure of her goals, happy marriage, at peace with herself, good at her job, . Now only the latter applies. “What the fuck happened to me?”

Jo readjusts his rearview mirror, but he doesn’t turn the key yet. “Paula, I’d say”

“I’m not in love with her” Martina blurts it out, not knowing if it’s Jo or herself she’s trying to convince. She absolutely can’t be in love with Paula. It’s a bad idea. Objectively speaking, just plain stupid. 

“Did I say you were?” 

“Doesn’t matter. I’m just not” It sounds less believable the more she says it. Jo stays silent, just looks at her. And Martina finally gives in: “Okay, I’m in love with her”

She knows it’s true as she says it. Martina doesn’t know Paula inside out the way she knows Richard. She never knows what Paula is going to do next, never knows whether it will make her feel like crying or like she’ll never stop smiling again. The only thing she can be sure of is that things will never stop moving, there’s always going to be something when Paula is involved. It’s an uncertainty that Martina doesn’t exactly enjoy.

But she is in love with Paula. That’s not up for debate.

Jo quickly notices that Martina’s thoughts are elsewhere, so he finally turns the key, shifts gears and starts driving. It’s a quiet ride, followed by an easy arrest. That in turn means that Martina’s not occupied enough to ban Paula from her mind. And when they return to the precinct, she no longer manages to ignore the journalist. No matter how hard she tries.

_

Under the pretense of being interested in the conspirator Paula’s waiting for (ok, that part isn’t a pretense, Martina definitely wants to know about the role he played) she asks to take over from the detective currently supervising the interviews and Paula lets her.

They sit down in the same hallway they had been sitting in the week before. Just that this time Martina is refusing to let Paula not speak to her, so she’s saying something she knows Paula can’t possibly ignore: “I know you’re judging me for not making up my mind. And that’s okay. You get to do that. But I just think it would be nice of you to consider that I genuinely didn’t know you liked me before you kissed me. And that I was married. Still am, technically.”

Paula sneers, but at least she responds: “I held your hand like a week before that, I asked you out the second time we met. It’s hard to believe you had no idea.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

“Then I guess we really don’t know that much about each other”, Paula’s just saying what Martina has been thinking for a while now. But Paula saying it makes her want to prove her wrong.

Martina might not know everything about Paula, that’s true. What she does know is that Paula is hot-headed and opinionated. She knows that Paula will go above and beyond for the things she believes in. That she might be impulsive, but not reckless. Stubborn, but not disrespectful of other peoples’ boundaries.

And she knows, no, hopes, no, knows that if they do end up in each others' lives for good, that she wouldn’t mind not knowing everything about Paula, as long as she never has to stop discovering new sides to her.

“You do know me”, Martina leans forward and then promptly scoots closer to Paula, not caring that she’s sitting in the middle of the hallway and that any of her coworkers could witness a moment of emotional vulnerability. Come to think of it, she’s not so sure she still knows herself.

“You knew enough about me to know how I would react to being kissed by you. Even though I didn’t know I wanted that yet. You knew when to give me time and space and you know just as well as I do that this, us, well, there’s some unfinished business here. And I know that despite that whole act you’re putting on, you want to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to you”

Martina might be going out on a limb here. She might be severely misjudging the situation. Though the way Paula draws in a sharp breath further proves to Martina that she’s reading everything exactly the right way.

“What makes you think I’m pretending? Maybe I just don’t want to talk to you. Ever thought about that?”, Paula sounds annoyed, but not entirely convinced of what she’s saying. Which is not a typical thing for her, and, picking up on that, Martina thinks to herself, already shows that she understands enough about who Paula is as a person.

“You are putting on an act.” It’s no longer just a confident guess, it’s a mere observation. Martina doesn’t break eye contact, and in a spur moment of bravery she adds: “ You’re the one who’s scared of your feelings this time.”

Paula shakes her head, closes her eyes as if to collect herself, as if she has to remind herself of something of vital importance. She’s completely earnest this time: “You have yet to give me a reason not to be. You’re married. You said it yourself”

“I don’t think about Richard when I’m with you”

Martina waits for the all too familiar guilt that would usually accompany a statement like that, but it doesn’t come. At some point Paula has become more than a distraction from Richard, more than discovering her attraction to women, more than an affair, carefully hidden from her husband. Without ever intending for that to happen, Martina’s mind has given Paula a place separate from all the difficult circumstances under which she first developed feelings for her. 

Paula, who is none of the things Martina ever thought she wanted, but who she wants anyway, Paula, who Martina wants so bad that she’s throwing all her rules and expectations out the window, Paula who turns her world upside down.

And Paula is smiling at her, not on accident, not weakly, not in any way that would make it matter any less. She’s smiling at her and saying: “Yeah, you better not be”

With Paula looking at her like that, how could she ever? When there’s Paula, there’s not much of anything else. 

Except for Kaiser, apparently, who chooses the worst possible moment to interrupt and tell them the suspect is ready for questioning. Martina only notices that she, too, had had a grin all over her face when she drops it to try and resemble the professional in her, who would never let her private life interfere with her work.  
Paula is just as quick to snap out of their little bubble that had almost gotten comfortable again. And though on the outside, Martina hasn’t changed, she feels much lighter as she follows Paula into the interrogation room. Maybe things are starting to look up.

The conspirator turns out to be a much harder nut to crack than the ones that had been interviewed prior to him. Both Paula and Martina grow continuously more frustrated, realizing that even one person’s lack of cooperation has the potential to make both of their jobs a lot harder. Paula doesn’t have a story when she doesn’t have credible sources and Martina needs actual evidence to have him convicted.

The suspect doesn’t confess, but the positive thing to come out of the day is that Paula and Martina agree on continuing to work the case together and that when Martina asks Paula to meet up for coffee Paula says “maybe tomorrow” instead of “no”. That Martina can work with.

_

When she ends her shift that evening she’s glad she didn’t take Richard up on his offer to move back in again. She’s not sure she could have hidden her good mood from him. And even though it is getting clearer and clearer to her that she’s going to have to ask him for a divorce, she doesn’t want to hurt him any more than she already has.

It might not seem that way, but Martina is sorry that she cheated on Richard. She feels bad that her falling for someone else and acting on it has affected him. But she’s not sorry that she kissed Paula. She doesn’t regret sleeping with her and if she ends up laying in bed tonight, thinking about Paula’s touch and Paula’s kisses, really, who could blame her?

If the risks pale in comparison to the possibilities, who could blame her for considering pursuing an actual relationship with Paula? Martina is well aware that there’s a good chance that they’ll crash and burn regardless of what happens with Richard. She knows she might go all in and it still won’t guarantee them anything close to a happy ending. Life doesn’t work that way. Especially not with Paula.

There are so many reasons why Paula is a bad idea, a bad choice, arguably the worse of the two alternatives. 

Paula is complicated. Richard is easy. Richard is safe. Richard is home. Martina wants easy. She desperately wants steady and comfortable and easy. 

She wants Paula more. 

With those thoughts in her head Martina finally falls asleep, all the worst and all the best possible scenarios involving Paula following her through her dreams.

_

The next day is uneventful in the sense that the conspirator they interrogate immediately cooperates, confirming all the things they already suspected. It’s eventful in the sense that Martina very consciously observes their behavior towards each other and, turns out, it has become a thing of impossibility to deny that their relationship has strayed from professional and distanced, even if just slightly so.

Martina doesn’t want to push Paula too much, not after she asks her to have lunch with her and Paula declines, claiming she has an article due and can’t afford to push the deadline. They’re polite with each other, friendly, but both of them can feel the fragility of their rediscovered familiarity.

Regardless of their lack of plans, they end up leaving the precinct side by side, and this time when Martina asks to spend some more time together and maybe talk about things, Paula just smiles and nods, as if it had been inevitable from the start. Maybe it was.

_

Neither of them feel like sitting down, so they decide to go for a walk in the park. It’s already getting dark outside, but it’s not cold enough that they’d need a jacket.

Paula is a slow walker, which comes as a surprise to Martina. From time to time she stops, points out one thing or another, before her focus shifts to something else entirely.

“Look”, she whispers, grabbing Martina’s arm to make her stop walking as she gestures towards a lightning bug: “I haven’t seen one of those around here for years”

They stand in silence for a while, watching the bug circle a tree and then disappear. Halfway through it, Martina subtly focuses her gaze on Paula instead, watches her watch the lightning bug and has the sudden desire to see the world through Paula’s eyes. It’s fascinating how Paula is a person who travels all around the world like a duck takes to water, who has gotten to know more people in a year than others do in a lifetime and she still looks at all the ordinary things, never taking them for granted.

Martina doesn’t know how it hasn’t occurred to her before, but Paula actually sees things, really looks at them and looks through them. Not just in a rational and analytical way, the way Martina looks at hard evidence.

What Paula does has more to do with art than Martina had noticed. Both their jobs are about getting to the truth, but for Paula the way she’s framing the truth counts, too. It’s not enough for stories to just exist, Paula has to capture their essence, break them down and build them all the way back up.

There’s beauty in that, come to think of it.

There’s beauty in the way Paula looks at the world and Martina desperately needs Paula to look at her, too. To be seen. To be broken down and remade in Paula’s eyes. 

And so when the bug is gone and Paula is about to start walking again, Martina turns her around to face her. She hadn’t really thought past that point and with Paula’s face so close to hers, seeming a bit confused, but not making any move to change something about their position, she’s finding it increasingly harder to think at all.

Martina can feel Paula’s breath on her lips, watches her look from her eyes down to her lips and then close them all the way. Paula's lips are slightly opened, but she doesn’t move, just stays right where she is. Maybe she’s waiting for Martina to make a move, not wanting to wrongly assume anything, or maybe she’s just being polite. Is waiting for the right moment to tell Martina that they are better off as friends after all.

It’s that moment of doubt that ends up getting in their way. In Martina’s mind everything piles up and falls apart in a matter of seconds, every single thing that could go wrong as added weight on her already growing state of panic. A raw, overwhelming panic about where this decision might lead them and suddenly she’s stepping away from Paula.

Chickening out when maybe she should’ve taken the leap. At least given it a try. The mess is already made, she might as well have gone through with it. But she didn’t. And Paula notices it, too.

When Paula opens her eyes back up Martina is tempted to turn around and run. To run and never stop running, because Paula is visibly upset. The insecurity is written all over her face and she looks hurt, genuinely hurt by Martin’s actions. No matter how Paula would have reacted to a kiss, this is worse.

“I’m so stupid”, Paula mumbles. She barely even sounds mad. There is anger in her voice, too, but mostly she just sounds small. “This is exactly why I said we couldn’t be friends. I told you I didn’t want this. Why didn’t you just listen?”

And Martina doesn’t know what to respond. How could she possibly explain any of it? “Paula, I…”, she tries, but Paula cuts her off: “I’m not planning on waiting around to see whether or not your marriage works out. Just so I can be there for you to string me along and then drop me again as soon as it gets too real for you to handle. I’m not that desperate”

“It’s not about Richard!”, Martina is raising her voice and maybe she shouldn’t have, but she needs Paula to hear. Needs her to know that her marriage has nothing to do with her hesitation.

“Then what is it about? I would love to hear you explain yourself! I like you, Martina, and I know that you like me back. But that doesn’t mean you get to walk all over me. I won’t let you”, Paula’s expression has changed to anger, a fierceness in her eyes and fire in her voice. 

Paula can and absolutely will cut her off - Martina knows her well enough to be sure of that, so things have to be set right. Paula did say she liked her, and despite it sounding more like an insult than anything else, something turns in Martina’s stomach. The same feeling you get on a rollercoaster, in the very moment before the drop. Martina actively despises that sensation, but somehow when it’s because of Paula, she doesn’t despise it quite as much..

“That’s not what’s happening here!”

The other woman just scoffs: “No? You tell me all that crap about how well we know each other, you tell me not to be afraid of my feelings for you and then you bring up the man you’re married to in the same conversation. You’re practically begging me to spend time with you and to talk to you and then you don’t even have the balls to commit to whether or not you want to kiss me! Seems pretty straightforward to me.”

Admittedly, it does sound bad when put like that. The whole situation has been confusing for Martina, but somehow she had assumed Paula was handling it with more grace. Between her ever present confidence and her tendency to always speak her mind, it was hard to imagine her as the type of person to be insecure. 

“No, Paula, you’re getting me all wrong, you don’t understand…”, Martina tries it with words one last time, though she doesn’t get how she’s supposed to say anything when Paula keeps not letting her finish.

Paula is yelling at this point: “Then make me understand!”

Martina kisses her then. Just grabs Paula’s face with both her hands and kisses her. Doesn’t give herself time to think it over or weigh the pros and cons. Make Paula understand. This is the clearest way she knows how to put it. 

Martina kisses her and she stops thinking anyway. She’s all wrapped up in Paula, in her scent, in her lips, in her arms, in the way Martina’s nose presses into Paula’s cheek. 

The rest doesn’t matter. Not really. Martina’s kissing Paula and Paula’s kissing Martina and if Paula is no longer shouting at her and Martina is no longer stumbling over her words, no longer saying all the wrong things and sending all the wrong signals, then really, nothing else matters.

They can deal with the consequences later.

Paula has an affinity for words. For knowing when she speaks, what message she wants to send, knowing what is implied and what doesn’t have to be said at all. Martina doesn’t have that gift. Doesn’t know how to express she wants to do something without doing it. So she does it. Keeps kissing Paula, keeps holding her close. Keeps kissing her until Paula, finally, pulls away. Martina’s still cupping Paula’s cheeks, registers Paula’s hands on her back.

The world never stops spinning, life always goes on, time never stands still. Time stands still right now, in this very moment, with Martina and Paula just standing there, in the middle of the path holding each other and looking at each other.

Time threatens to start moving again as Paula opens her mouth to speak. But then no words come out. Because Martina’s still on pause, she’s still on pause and she has no intention of pressing play quite yet. Instead she kisses Paula. Again. And Paula lets her. Again.

The small adrenaline rush she gets from that moment gives Martina the strength to be the one to end the kiss in the second she has decided on what to say: “Let me talk for a moment, yeah?”

Paula looks like she’s about to protest, so Martina gives her another quick kiss and when she pulls away Paula just nods. And wow. Maybe this is what she should’ve been doing from the very start.

“I’m saying I want to be with you. Properly be with you. And it’s okay if you’re scared, because I’m scared, too. And I know we don’t know everything about each other, but I know I want this enough to give it a shot. To properly give it a shot. That means, if that’s what you want?”

Then Paula doesn’t respond and what if this whole thing was a horrible mistake? What if it was too little or too much or too late or too… And Paula’s kissing her. Definitely not a mistake then. Most definitely not a mistake. 

“And I really genuinely do not care about Richard. I want to be with you. Noone else.”, Martina adds quickly, taking Paula’s hand in hers.

Paula just smiles. The anger, the insecurity, the hurt; all gone. “Yeah, I got that” and then: “I want to properly be with you, too” and Martina was not aware that one sentence could make all the struggles worth it, but coming from Paula, it definitely can.

_

They go back to Martina’s hotel room in the evening. Not because of any ulterior motives, just because Martina can’t bring herself to let go of Paula’s hand and Paula wouldn’t let her either. The tension has dissolved without either of them noticing.Instead they fall asleep next to each other, comfortable in a way that Martina hasn’t been with Paula in a long time.

There’s no standing still, she’s assuming there won’t ever be anything steady or boring about life when you’re dating Paula Voss. But when a few days later Paula announces she’ll be in the area for a while, because the new article she’s working on requires it, Martina does feel at peace. At least a little.

As long as she gets to be with Paula, as long as that doesn’t change, Martina can afford having all other things lose some of their stability. As long as she gets to wake up next to Paula, as long as she gets to hold her hand, gets to kiss her, she can deal with her life being a bit shaken up once in a while.

They still don’t know everything about each other, but then again, how close can you ever get to truly knowing another person? They’re close enough. Close enough for both of them to feel loved. Isn’t that what matters in the end?

**Author's Note:**

> If anybody actually read this pls lemme know lmao


End file.
